Here’s a TikTok video:
It reminded me of this story from my youth. When I was in middle school, the local t-shirt shop was offering a sale. I went there and found a Spock t-shirt that appeared to be my size, so I bought it. I brought it home, tried it on, and discovered it was way too small (I didn’t really know about “Adult” and “Youth” sizes because my mother normally bought all my clothing), and I had a minor meltdown.
From an outsider’s perspective, it may seem like a minor thing, but there were several major details here. First, I had gone to the store by myself, with my own money. This was huge for someone who struggled with talking to clerks. Even today, I struggle with convincing myself that it’s okay to go to stores, and for a long time I couldn’t leave a store without buying something out of fear of offending the clerks. At the same time, though, I’m extremely self-conscious when I want to buy something other than what I normally do. I think I’ll get back to that after this story.
Anyway, because I have a lot of trouble interacting with people and because Spock is a rather nerdy thing to want on a t-shirt, I had been as stealth as possible: I didn’t ask for help, I just grabbed a shirt and paid for it. I didn’t even like the color (bright yellow), but… it was Spock, and buying it on my own was a major victory.
My recollection is that my father acted like this should be a life lesson: I’d used several months’ of weekly allowance to buy an item I couldn’t use, and he had no answer except “Well, oops.”
I called the shop, and they initially told me there were no refunds or exchanges. But somehow we got around to it being an off-the-shelf item and not a custom printing, and then they were fine with me bringing it back and exchanging it.
While the self-advocacy on my part was so far beyond my comfort level that it should be a happy memory about a personal victory (and now I can and will reframe it as one), it’s also one of so many examples of times my parents failed to give me the supports I really needed. I think my father thought he was encouraging me to climb that hill on my own, but I would have done better with some scaffolding.
Back to my self-consciousness: This is such a recurrent thread in my shopping. I hold myself from buying what I want, even if it’s something I can fully afford, because I worry about how others will judge me. I’ll be in stores staring at this thing or that, but can’t even bring myself to touch it because, why bother?
And when I do get brave enough to pick it up, I will often rush to the counter to just pay for it and get it over with, even if it doesn’t quite work.
This is still a thing for me: The other day I bought a bicycle helmet. I have a very large head, something I’m sensitive about. Like, REALLY big. At my child’s first wellness visit, the pediatrician looks very concerned looking at his head. then she looked at me, right at my forehead, and said, “Oh, okay.”
(My child has a large skull as well. The first words he heard upon entering this world via C-section were “My God, this kid’s head is HUGE.” That was from the ob/gyn.)
So I tried on a few helmets, shooing away the clerk, but I’d forgotten to try the strap. I bought the helmet and THEN, it having been paid for, thought to check the strap length. Sure enough, it was long enough ONLY if it were pulled to the point of the straps nearly falling out of the clasp.
Did I ask for an instant refund? No. I took the purchase, fearing that I wouldn’t ever be able to get it to work. It had been such an effort for me to go to the store to make this purchase in the first place, I wasn’t about to repeat it.
I have since tack-stitched the straps so that they don’t fall out, and the strap is long enough. As long as I don’t gain any weight. And it can’t really be adjusted.
Soooo many stories like this, things left unpurchased, days I’ve spent sitting at home thinking about going to the store but feeling like it’s just too much. I used to think it was Social Anxiety, and went to group therapy for a while, but at the time couldn’t figure out why my “Social Anxiety” was different from the others in the group.
Now I know, of course, that my version of Social Anxiety is the sort that comes with Autism, which isn’t the same thing as NT-SA.
One more story that’s tied to the chicken sandwich video: The local Polish store in Warren sells magazines, and one of the titles they used to sell was a bundle of a men’s fashion magazine and a Polish-language Playboy. I’ve pretty much always struggled with buying anything of an adult nature, but especially magazines, but I was curious about how Playboy looks in other countries. I had already subscribed to a year of German-language Playboy in print and French-language Playboy online, so this was another example.
Anyway, I grabbed the plastic-wrapped packet, not realizing someone had already ripped it open and stolen the Playboy. I didn’t notice until I got home, and so I went back to the store. The manager, though, had a heavy Polish accent and didn’t seem to understand what I was saying. He insisted that everything was as it should be, and didn’t want to let me swap it out.
I did push my way through, but these interactions, which I feel like are minor annoyances for neurotypical people, can be overwhelming and paralyzing for Autists.