Category: Diary

I haven’t been here in a few months. I got COVID in September and that took a lot of my inertia away, and since then I’ve just not been in the habit. This isn’t the longest gap in the blog, but still, it’s been a while. I had two things I wanted to post about:…

When I was a child, my mother suggested I keep a diary. I told her that boys don’t keep diaries, they keep journals. Or maybe I constructed that memory. Maybe I mentioned to some friends that I was keeping a diary, and they laughed at it until I started calling it a journal. Memory is…

I was not fully trained until I was a tween. I have a lot of shameful memories involving my encopresis. It was only recently that I learned that it could well have been associated with my autism, specifically with a weaker interoceptive system. A lot of fancy words to say: I pooped my pants a…

Last week I had a long conversation with my brothers about our childhood, and immediately my brain slipped back into the toxic cycles that it had already been headed towards. I am now coming out of that iteration with fresh perspectives. First, addiction: I come from a context of addiction, and though I have generally…

I have an appointment on Monday to get a replacement prosthetic eye. I’ve had this one for about 20 years, and while it seems to still be in decent enough shape, it’s time for a new one. It got me thinking about when I was a teenager and it was time for a new prosthetic….

I am autistic. I have meltdowns. When I was younger, I was not diagnosed as autistic. I had an explosive temper. I had anger management problems. I was a problem. I have multiple memories over my lifetime, especially as a teen and young adult, about how my moods were making other people feel. “We are…

The other day I was watching a video on Imposter Syndrome and disability. One thing that Jessica Kellgren-Fozard said (at about 5:30) that really stood out to me was that because they’ve been disabled for so long, they don’t really have a good meter for what’s it like to not be disabled. My primary physical…

For anyone reading this blog and not my other social media, I wanted to let you know that my inertia isn’t gone, I’m just working on a long piece that’s taking up most of my creative writing energy. Basically, a November novel, just not in November. So I’m writing more each day than I have…

The other day I kept catching my reflection in the window at the restaurant and the body dysmorphia was so strong. It wasn’t disgust at my gender, not at my weight, but at my presence. My frame is so freakin’ large compared to how I feel. I want to take up a tiny little space…

Years ago, when my spouse and I were on a bus in Toronto, the woman next to us turned and asked, “Are the voices in my head bothering you?” We were only a few blocks away from our destination, and we decided it would be faster to walk than stay on the bus because we…