Category: Diary

There’s a topic that’s been on my mind that’s causing the rest of my writing to be largely jammed up. Today I’m just going to write about it and hope for the best. Maybe this will open my brain up for the stuff I’d rather write about. I have long had an anxiety about going…

1980. I am 12 years old. 43 years ago. If you’d asked me to check off boxes, I would have said I was heterosexual, cisgender, neurotypical, Christian, and monogamous. For most of those, I wouldn’t have understood the question: My Christianity was grounds for seeing myself as a stranger in a heathen land, and I…

I’ve done it, I’ve solved Imposter Syndrome. I haven’t cured it. And, no, I haven’t really solved it. I just can… explain it? Maybe? For me? I don’t know. Maybe it’s all meaningless garbage. And to be clear, in this case, I’m talking (mostly) about that form of Imposter Syndrome involving membership in marginalized groups,…

I’ve been spending the last few days updating and reorganizing my Math entries. Wherever possible, I replaced any missing images, and made a few clean-ups. On multiple times I was impressed with the depth and amount of work I put into an entry; on multiple times, I clucked at the mistakes and inanity of my…

Something I’ve struggled with in the past has come back yet again to roost: I’m masking from myself. I don’t know quite who I am because I’m not telling myself. I don’t trust myself not to out me to everyone else, and so I’m hiding a huge part of myself away and not letting me…

I’ve changed hosts because my previous host had an increasing number of issues. Anyway, I’m hopefully back now, on a faster and more reliable host.

(I wrote this on my phone on 4/21, and transcribed it here on 4/29.) I can feel the friction when I write between the need for organization and the desire to scream whisper shout whimper stretch out big squeeze down small. Between the need for order and the demand for chaos and I don’t know…

I’m feeling stagnant. The daily poems (word salads) have become mechanical, and I’m not sure how I’m feeling about them now. I’m in that mode of “only x to go” (which is now down to “only five to go”), so they’re feeling like a chore. I have books I want to read, but I keep…

(This is just a dream journal entry, kept here because it goes with the previous item and I don’t want to lose it. No deep reflections here, but if you want to read it anyway, go for it.) So there was of course more to the dream than I put in that write-up. It was…