convince me to breathe

i didn’t used to need you to convince me to breathe
it used to come naturally:
inhale, exhale
inhale, exhale
but then the weight of moments stacked up
one on top of another
and my lungs became afraid
afraid they would seize up at just the wrong moment
afraid they would disrupt the natural order
the natural flow
the way things are supposed to be
the way that those in power expected things to be
and so they whispered
they slid between the now and anon
their work was labored
hunched over
secretive

i didn’t used to need you to convince me to breathe
i didn’t even want it from you
i wanted it to be my own act of survival
inhale, exhale
inhale, exhale
but those were the breaths of the innocent
the breaths of the weird one
who didn’t know their place in the labyrinths of humanity
the girl who was a boy who was a rag doll
wide-eyed and curious and not yet aware
of the savageness of the world
before i was left on the bedroom floor
for the dust and the spiders and the shadows
of what could ever even have been

i didn’t used to need you to convince me to breathe
i didn’t used to need you at all
i didn’t used to need anyone
but i’ve lost the thread
inhale
exhale
inhale
exhale
can you remember those days
before the days
when the girl who was a boy who was a rag doll
had found their way to the back of the closet
and somewhere in the dark
had found the light to keep on going
because i can’t
i need you to remember for me
i need you to describe them to me
i need you to convince me to breathe

10.18.24
(Written in a single stream while listening to “Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Pts. 1-5)” by Pink Floyd)