There’s a topic that’s been on my mind that’s causing the rest of my writing to be largely jammed up. Today I’m just going to write about it and hope for the best. Maybe this will open my brain up for the stuff I’d rather write about.
I have long had an anxiety about going up hills. I think it may have come from a time my father rejected me. He, my older brother, and I had been bicycling in Arlington and DC when we got to the National Cemetery. I couldn’t bike up a steep hill there, and my father, who was already upset with me because I’d gotten a flat that he’d had to change while my baby brother had a dirty diaper on the corner of a busy intersection… well, the problem with the hill was just a step too far. He demanded that I just walk it up, I insisted that I could do it, and at some point I did give it up and walk. I was ashamed and rejected.
Anyway, as a driver, I get nervous about going up steep hills. Luckily, Metro Detroit doesn’t have a lot of those, so I can pinpoint the problem areas and prepare myself for them. And I’ve gotten mostly used to it.
However, there’s another issue that may or may not be related, and may even suggest that the root phobia isn’t connected to thta incident with the bike after all.
Earlier this summer, we drove to Chicago and Milwaukee. I was already aware, from past trips, that there were certain key areas, such as Chicago’s Skyway, where I get scared and have trobule driving. But this time it was worse: Nearly all the highways in both cities got me nervous, even if I wasn’t the one driving.
I visualized all manner of disaster involving bridge collapses, car accidents, or just plain flying off into space. And I’ve noticed that I’m starting to experience similar anxieties even when I’m driving around Detroit. At least most of the freeways here are below ground level; the fear is worst when there are no visible retaining walls, and I’m several building stories above the ground.
I realize this is irrational, and I’m extremely embarrassed by it. I’m particularly concerned that this is getting worse over time, not better. I think my next step is probably to research Autism and Phobia, since exposure therapy makes it worse, not better. I accept that this is not functional, especially for trips to other cities where the transition from “safe” to “unsafe” roads is unpredictable. Chicago was especially bad for that: Going from the cocoon of Lower Whacker (which is strange in its own right) to the wide-open air of Lakeshore in a matter of minutes was particularly frightening.
Anyway, now that I’ve at least written this publicly, maybe I can move forward on resolving it.
Hug